Today is a strange day. Zoey woke up in the middle of the night puking and has continued to do so throughout the day. So I stayed home to take care of her and decided to get some cleaning done as well. While scrolling through Facebook I found an old page of mine. A page from when I was married…it was strange to see.
I almost don’t recognize myself. I had such sad eyes during that time. I was pale and obviously depressed. Then I found pictures of when I first got married the comparison was insane. I was so happy and still had life in my eyes. How quickly a marriage can deteriorate your soul. A toxic one anyway.
It was a dark time I had to get through to get to the point I’m at now. My one regret was not keeping pictures for Zoey so she could see her father. After our marriage went down the drain I threw every reminder of it in the trash, along with every photo. But there they were on this page I somehow forgot to delete.
A week or so after Zoey’s first birthday I got a phone call that her father commit suicide. A few days later he passed. He never met her. So I regretted not saving the pictures. We were happy at one point no matter how briefly and I wanted her to see that part. Two broken people with mental illness is never a good or solid foundation for a marriage and so it ended as quickly as it started.
But there were the lost pictures staring back at me. So I saved them to show her when she’s older. And now I’m going to go back to cleaning my house for the women’s group I lead that’s coming over tonight. The name of the group is The Healing Space and it’s to help women move towards new life and healing after divorce. God is funny in that way…he always uses your mess for your message. He gives you beauty for your ashes.
Isaiah 61:3 To all who mourn in Israel, he will give a crown of beauty for ashes, a joyous blessing instead of mourning, festive praise instead of despair. In their righteousness, they will be like great oaks that the LORD has planted for his own glory.
I have a beautiful life now. It’s not perfect but I’m in a much better place than I was. And now through my story I get to help other women move towards the beautiful life God has promised for them. And that in itself is a blessing.
Love & Blessings,